Happiness is a Warm Gun

I'm exhausted...

Battles, always a battle...

Finally done with Chris...I think it will help him better, with us not even being friends. Perhaps he'll learn to stand on his own, he seems like he's beginning too.

I seem to have a record going with dating...FAILURE. The lot of it.

I'm good at being the worse girlfriend in the world and wife apparently..haha.

But, I never said otherwise...

I wish, I could cry over them..The people who deserved my tears and yet..I can't seem to do so..But my tears can fall for those who never did deserve a thing from me..

My tear ducts are as fucked up as the rest of me...

In other news...Father goes into surgery later today..Bleh, I hate hospitals..Hopefully they fix him so I don't have to be in one for awhile...

bi polar romance

They say the slower your heartbeat, the longer the lifespan..

I wonder how much of my life I've lost already being near him..

He gives a new meaning to blackouts, dizzy spells and double vision..

Yet I simply have no control over myself when it comes to him. Led astray, like a sheep to the slaughter..I let him pull me in, take me under..Knowing I'm going to end up on the floor..and everytime I pick myself up, he kicks me right back down again..

At least he does it in such a beautiful way, you don't really notice you're on the floor for awhile..

I find it quirky in a way, all my friends not understanding the attraction, the need I have to surround myself with him...

Sadly, I don't comprehend it much either. He's def not my type..

But there's something that pulls me in, like a moth to the flame..I can see my soul clearly, curled up in his eyes..Content, safe..Wrecked, brutalized but not scared..I sense my heart, which is never safe is at least cradled as if it were something precious, for a change..

and yet, I find myself watching as he sets it aside and forgets my existance..and then steps back in on his own time to pick me up again..

Am I stupid for waiting for those moments, am I dumb not to stand my ground..Perhaps..

But I was always a girl who took a chance..and I couldn't run anymore. I was tired, I was drained..

Love..People wanted to call it that, I couldn't place that label on him..I don't think I wanted too, these days the word held no meaning and he was worth so much more than a meaningless word could describe..

It wasn't a need, a want..It wasn't a burning passion..It was a simple elegance..It wasn't rushed, no flame could burn out in this..

Untamed, became the tame..Unchained, was willing to be chained..For once in my life I was willing to give all of me to someone..Not because they deserved it, not because they wanted it..But because it finally felt..right..

Regardless of where it led, I would give all and most I knew for sure he would not like..but one day, someday..Maybe he'll realize it doesn't matter if he likes it or not..It's ALL I got..

I didn't need anything in return, that would be so selfish..

I wasn't worth much, I knew this, as did many others who would stop being biased and admit to themselves the truth..But there was one thing, that I treasured above all else and have held close to me for 13 years..Never giving anyone the slightest chance of having it..Myself. I was so scared of losing myself, I couldn't comprehend how to live if I ever had..but I realized, I didn't have to lose myself, to give someone my all..I would always have me, they would just have the ability to know, see, feel..Even when I couldn't..They would be able to understand more than anyone else ever would..

A few who may read this, might have a spot of hatred in their hearts..Because they wished to be that one..but wishes weren't what made this choice..I made it, my soul made it..For once, it feels right when it never has before..

It doesn't really mean he's that "one" or I'm in love with him, love him..Then again, who's to say he is or isn't..I'm not as concerned about that aspect of it all..

The hardest thing I have ever tried to do is give myself to someone, completely..

I feel like I have grown so much, to be able to do this..

I hope you understand that and don't take offense and if you love me..You'll just be happy knowing I can finally do this..

3-29-08- Honeysuckle

Love is just a bloodsport; Fuck the bruises

I guess I was just getting colder, more cruel as the years passed..I wasn't alone in this building of a mechanical heart.

No, there a few who helped with wires and the final fit. Aren't you proud? Your creation is doing perfectly.

I wasn't ashamed, we all did what we had to survive..I was just annoyed I didn't take anyone with me under..Or maybe I did..Then again, a few are dead, to me and to the ground they came..

Malicious..

The malice had seeped into every part of me..

I suppose I had always meant to tell him what I spent hours, days, weeks planning..Sometimes, I didn't even know myself what I was planning..But something inside me knew, didn't it Chris..

I was just as ungracious and uncaring as people said, but you were so blind..

oh I'm never jealous, but I am possessive..Guess you forgot that little fact...

What's mine is mine and always will be..You're mine, even if I am never with you..You'll always be mine..

Hurts doesn't it? To love someone who really only spends their day emotionally draining you, beating you down and picking you back up just to beat you down so more..You ocne said I loved to kick you while you're down, oh but I truly do..It makes me viciously happy, I'm so unkind..

I told you once, that no one gets away with hurting me or using anything against me..No one ever listens when I tell them that, like it's a joke..You're not laughing now are you?

I never had to do much, you were so easy..You let me in so easily, to rip out your heart and fuck with your mind..You should know by now that I'll never be your's..I'll never be anyones..But I always collect..

Maybe it was sick, maybe it was inhumane..But it was me..That cold person who spent every wkaing moment planning the ruin of someone else in her life who hurt her or did something she wouldn't forgive..

It wasn't anyones fault, this creation..I chose my path..and this is what I chose..

I never had to lie, only by omition did I really win this..

I'll tell you a little secret readers, it drains me as much as it does those I strike out at...I am simply drained, exhausted...I think I used what last energy I had left on this one..

I think it was worth it, he got the point..In his own way..He understands actually, why I did it..No one else ever does.

Were certainly a pair you & I..Fucked up and fucking the world up every chance we get..

When will we ever learn, no one really gives a god damn what we do...

As long as we stay away from them..

We were pretty, now were just ugly..

When you held my hand for the first time.

When you stood so close behind me I could feel your breath on my neck as you bent your head to rest your chin on my shoulder.

When you cupped my face in your hands and told me I was pretty when I cried

The day you said I do and looked into my eyes.

The way you kissed me when you thought I'd be gone for a long time.

When you would pull me closer when I tried to move away.

You're so ugly now that I know it was all a lie.

Like the day you touched me and told me you loved me, knowing you didn't really.

That day you left me standing alone on the curb at an airport without even looking back.

When you sat in your room talking to someone else while I slit my wrists and prayed I wouldn't wake up.

God you were so ugly when you stood there thinking I'd ever want anyone else and making me throw my life away for nothing.

But you were beautiful when you cried with me..You were pretty when you said I love you and it sounded so damn sweet. You were beautiful when you called me baby and brought me to my knees.

and now you're ugly..

But you were pretty when you called me to tell me you love me, that very first time..Do you remember? I remember it so well, my beautiful baby..Sobbing, broken hearted..I love you, it was the only words that crept inside and shattered my heart..

and now, you're just fuckin ugly..

I was pretty too once..

When I climbed into your lap and sang to you..When I crawled down your body and wrapped my lips around you..I was pretty in my white dress, with my family and friends, smiling and laughing as I said I do..Oh, I was so pretty curled up on the bottom of the shower in pain from making love to you..

but now, I'm ugly..

and all I do is cry..When all I do is scream your name in the middle of the night, grab my chest and pray you hear me, that you'd pick up the phone and say something to heal me..

God, I'm so fuckin ugly..Just like you..

We were pretty once, when we were fools..We were pretty when we would stay on the phone all night, talking about things that made no sense to anyone else but us..We were pretty the day I cried for you when you told me about your mind..I picked up and left my world to stay with you..We used to be so pretty..Now, were so fuckin ugly it hurts..

I want to be pretty again..But I'm just ugly..I wish I could remember the last kiss without shame, without pain..You have that beautiful  night, you keep with you always and all I have is nothing but ugly..

The beautiful wreck

It's been awhile since I have updated in here, I suppose there has just been too much going on and then nothing but blessed emptiness going on, all at once, or sometimes never at all.

I don't really know what to say anymore, to anyone..I've become silent and that is very hard to imagine no? I always have some opinion, some remark, some comment, some insult to throw around..and yet I lack the very things that have made me who I am..I find myself smiling through cracked lips and hollow eyes. Fake plastic smiles..It's ok, people react better to lies anyways.

I'm still waiting on my divorce papers...That's odd I think..He said he had them, yet they do not appear at my door..I have not been called to court, mayhaps he is doing it himself..How long does it take?..I wonder if he knows I was joking when I said taker your time..He should know, I was laughing bitterly and I had sent words after saying please let me know what is going on..Apparently I can't draw up forms if they have already been drawn up..I don't know the truth in that? but if it's so, do I really want to try and find out he didn't and lied, why would he lie?..Why is he prolonging this..

Everyone who knows me, knows I do not want the divorce, I'd rather he died and I could be a widow, it's more respectable and would make me feel like less of a failure, but that's selfish..I want him to be happy, I want him to make a choice and stand with it..Even if it means me gone out of his life..Yet I see nothing being done..

You can avoid my calls and emails forever Trent if you'd like, but sooner or later a time will come when I can finally let go of you completely if you don't do it yourself..Mine won't be as pretty or quiet.

That sounds like a threat, but it isn't..What do you expect from a bitter woman? Hm..

I will be burying Chelsea in 8 hours..No sleep, boozed up..I don't want to be sober or know what it is going on while she's being laid to rest..Rest, it's not so restful I do not think. After that, I will be going to san fran to say goodbye to my grandfather and await his burial..Frome one funeral to another, it's how my life goes..

I should live in a cemetery..I'm so at home with the dead, the ghosts...

I can't drink myself into a void forever, well I could but it wouldn't be fair to people who are still here and care. I just happen to be at home in a bottle and not acknowledging half the world..Dancing with myself, crying by myself, screaming by myself..Alone, it's the only way I can handle anything. I tried to bring people in, it never works..They always fuck me over or I lack the ability to let them in fast enough and they become angry, hurt..

Alone, I cause less pain to others..Though sometimes I like cuasing pain, just to people that don't matter to me..

I think I pushed everyone out..The people who were really close to me..It seemed like a good idea at the time and still does actually. I don't have to hear them when they're hurt from something I say or do..I do not have to see them cry or feel them break..I blocked them all.

I can't say that it's made me happy or joyous..But somehow, it's made things easier..When the people I want around me most are dead or walked away before I even had a say in it anyways. Why does it matter throwing the rest of them out? Everyone who knows me, knows in their heart I don't stay long..

Why I still miss Trent is beyond me...It isn't the love, the sex, the marriage that I miss..The marriage wasn't good anyways, it failed right from I do to I don't..I know this because I have a whole paper journal filled with scribbles on how bad shit really was...Do you remember? You failed me from the start...I wish you had known before we said I do that you would leave me..It would have saved us both the trouble..But you got scared, that's what you said..That I was leaving..My life, it was doing so well..I was going places I wanted to go and because I loved you, I threw it all away..I said fuck it, if I'm with you, it doesn't matter..I left 2 months before I was supposed too...wasn't that it..we had a deal, end of summer I'd be there but you couldn't wait, you needed me there right then..and for what? to break my heart, lie to me, push me away, strike out at me...I should have killed you and god I thought about it but where would I have buried your body? There wasn't any beautiful place I could find where you would belong except for in my arms..and you fuckin ruined that...How tragic you always were, we were star crossed from the start..wait, that would be if you even loved me from the beginning..Remember when I told you it was obsession, it was lust, it was infatuation..You denied, so adamant about it baby..Where are we now?...I hate it when I'm right, I hate it even more that I was right about you and I knew it and yet I threw it all away to take a chance..Regret, is it there..Do I regret you...

I don't have an answer to that question. The pain, the love, the hatred, the emptiness, the tears, the cuts, the screams, the drinking, the drugs..Was it worth it, for just a little bit of time..I want to say yes, but it's time that was all a lie..and knowing that, how can I not regret giving myself over to the biggest lie of all?

You know, I still feel you sometimes..That last day I saw you, I still feel  you inside me, on my skin..I can't get rid of that, it makes me feel cheap, it makes me feel like a whore..It makes me cry and it makes me want more and I hate myself for loving you when all you ever did was ruin me..

I let go of so many things and I thought I finally let go of you too, that I could be ok, never perfect, but ok..I was so wrong..I can't hide it forever..It took 9 years for me to let go of jason..No more nightmares, no more ghosts...How long is it going to take me to let go of you..I'm so afraid I will die loving you still as much as when I first said the words...I'm afraid that you are the one with my heart, I am afraid that I will never be happy with anyone else..I am afraid that I will ruin people because of what you did to me..Why can't you cure that..You used to be able to cure everything..But you can't cure something that you caused can you..Only what others did..

I hate you for the things I do to people..It's not right, but I don't know what else to do..I hate myself enough at times..But I was never this cruel, never this fucked up..I thought I could be happy with someone..He's a great guy, minus being an emotional wreck, but you were one too..He loves me, in a way you never did and that kills me..Because I haven't done anything to deserve that love form him, and yet for you..I gave you everything I had...He doesn't make me feel like you did, he doesn't erase you..He doesn't replace you..He doesn't make me laugh like you did, he can never heal me like you did and he never accepted me like you once did..When did that end, I never knew..but it ended somewhere.. I walked away from him, it was smart..I couldn't stand hurting him anymore, because of you, because of who I have become without you..

A wreck, I'm simply a wreck..